I guess she isn't coming home...

... and honestly, it is a feeling I can't explain.  You know I remember people saying, "I wish I had my Mom to talk to..."  and not that I took her for granted, but I remember thinking... yea... but...  I am here to tell you the "yea but..." is very appropriate.  I miss her... a lot.  Mom has lived with us for two years.  Almost to the day as a matter of fact.  It was a lot of work too.  You wouldn't think so, and she didn't think so...this I know for a fact, because she said it on many occasion... (that she didn't realize she was so much work...),  but the responsibility that is not tangible, but none the less there, was very big.

And I think that is part of what is causing that giant hole right now.  That along with the fact that it is not going to be filled for a very long time.  It will have to grow in, like someone cut a hole in my skin, and it would have to heal inward.  I guess there is no sense waiting for this to happen either...  It would be like watching the moon move across the sky through out the month in extra slow motion.  Actually worse.

I can't get angry, in fact if I try, I find myself getting angry at myself first... and that doesn't work...actually makes things worse.  Honestly I don't think my Mom is or was mad at me.  Well maybe she was, actually, she was annoyed more than anything, because she said I never shut up...  Actually I think she was probably right.

I am sad, but it is so hard to explain.  It isn't sad like when one of my pets passed away.  It is different.  I think that is because I can't let this grief run it's course, and then I get another dog or cat.  I feel like this grief will never run it's course.

I don't cry.  I did... the last few days she was in the hospital I cried a lot.  In the car on the way home from the hospital.  I tried not to, but it just happened.

I stopped crying when we took her home on Monday afternoon.  Well not exactly.  I spoke to my cousin on the phone and I cried a lot.  However, when I hung up, and went in to fix dinner, and met the admissions nurse, and received a ton of phone calls.. I stopped crying.  I was very busy, had many decisions to make, things to do... When things slowed down,  and it was time to go to sleep, I went in to say goodnight to Mom, and she looked pretty, and peaceful.  The most peaceful I had seen her since 3 weeks earlier.

At 3:30 AM, my sister came in to my room upstairs, to wake me up.  The Hospice nurse told her that she should go get me, because she believed that Mom had passed.  (My sister was here, and slept on the couch that night)

In fact, I didn't cry when the funeral director came and took her away after she died.  I remember thinking, that isn't my Mom on the stretcher.  That is an elderly lady whose life just ended.  But my Mom...nah.  The funeral director said this was because my Mom was in my heart.

She is in my heart.  Maybe that is why I can't cry.  I do remember I looked at a picture that morning.  I have looked at that picture many times.  It was taken about 23 years ago.  It is a picture of all the Aunts and Uncles, from both sides of the family and my Mom and Dad, at my sisters wedding.  There were a few Aunts and Uncles missing, but most of them were there.  After my Dad passed 5 years ago, I remember being sad when I looked at it... and from that point on, I wouldn't look at my Mom and Dad, just the Aunts and Uncles.  Well, Tuesday morning, when I looked at that picture, I looked at my Mom and Dad, and for the first time I wasn't sad.  I specifically remember not feeling sad.  I was kind of embarrassed by that too... so much so that I didn't say anything.  I called one of my Aunts a few hours later, on the phone, and she said "Well Mom isn't alone anymore, now her and Dad are together."  I have to tell you, I was really taken back when she said that.  Mainly because she validated the feeling I had earlier, but was embarrassed to say out loud.  I am still amazed when I write it now.

See my Mom and Dad didn't have an extended honeymoon, let's say.  In fact, I felt that they were companions in the true sense, most of their marriage.  They were Mom and Dad.  They argued and fought, and got on each others nerves, and probably did not like each other a lot of the time.  But they were together and tolerated each other.  As they got older, it was difficult, with feebleness, and dementia setting in... but despite that, they were a team.  They were my team.  Now the captains of my team are gone, and I am one of the captains of my own team.  Up until a week ago, I was one of the captains of Mom and Dad's team too, by default.  It was a hard job. I guess it is a hard job letting go of the "by default" position that I had.

Maybe that is what I am feeling right now.


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