... but I am getting to the point I just don't care anymore. Is that bad... I don't think so... I think it is inevitable. It is kind of a protection mechanism. I believe eventually all people go through it, some just earlier than others.
For me I believe it is a defense mechanism, because I don't think it is humanly possible to go on, and on, and on in life, and constantly fighting, to get where you want to be... or need to be.
My childhood was good.. I mean, other than not being well off... but we had a good family.. strong Father, good Mom, and I believe a healthy relationship with my sister.
Then comes my early adult life. Which could actually be combined with my later teen years. Aside from a few incidents, such as boyfriend issues, I mean pretty substantial boy friend issues...I went right to work, for the most part paying my own way. Bought my first car from my parents for $800, then about a year later purchasing a brand new car.. a 1980 Mustang, ordered it from the factory... paid for it monthly for 2 years. All that doesn't sound like much, but based on what my friends were given. New cars every year (in some cases), or at least their first car, plus college educations, wardrobe, etc. I paid for my own braces, for two years... So I guess you see where I am coming from. But that made me stronger, prouder, etc.
Then I moved to Florida, alone, without a job, no family... A good friend, but that passed to. Moved into my apartment, worked 2 jobs for over two years, so that I could fly home fairly frequently. Then came my own house. More boyfriend issues, and financial problems... My Dad had a stroke, in an attempt to save his property in NC from being taken away from him, I took on a very large... I mean verrrrry large portion of his debt. That turned out OK, because I managed to figure out a way, with Consumer Credit Counseling to get out from under that burden. And it wasn't easy like claiming bankruptcy... Let me tell you... that would have been easy.
I thought about adopting a Ukranian baby, and raising him on my own. It was a pretty expensive propisition, but that isn't what detered me. I learned that it wasn't legal for single parent adoptions in the great (and I use that term very weakly) of Florida. I got involved in politics, on the losing side, over and over. But I still fought, I still believe in the Democratic ideals, but I no longer believe in the people behind the Democratic Party today.
Then I met my husband...and we lived together for 7 years. There were about 5 years that were absolutely wonderful. But then things started to turn sour. My Dad had his 3rd stroke, and then suffered with dementia. And that is when this Blog started.
At one point, I believe in 2006, I suffered from a Cavernous Malformation and Hemangioma on my brain stem. This is something I had from birth, and in some cases it is genetic. I guess in most cases it is... I guess it depends if you carry a gene. Not really sure of that... None the less, I had a very bad episode in August of 2006 that lasted about 3 months. The final prognosis was, well... you will have these episodes more than like for the rest of your life... It will probably happen in clusters, and oh... yes, by the way... it is on your brainstem... that is pretty expensive real estate, so at some point it may become fatal... but, hmmm well if we operated, that could be fatal also... Maybe we should just watch it. So that is where I am at. Also, I have the threat of glaucoma.
So all that being said... I am tired, and from my post yesterday, I do fear that my husband will out live me... heck sometimes I think my 85 year old mother will out live me. And ironically, I would like to live forever. I think that is because at some time between now and forever, I can grab sometime for me.
I would like to be able to take some time every once in a while, when I feel this thing in my head is leaking (that is what it does it leaks, and then it gets bigger, and infringes on the "expensive real estate") and if I had some time off... to get out of the rat race, remove the stress, I can either stop it, or at least control it alittle bit more. But that seems unreasonable by todays standards. You know... the way the mentality goes in todays society... you have to be a productive member of society, if you aren't you are a parasite on society...see... a leach... Better I should be a vegatable huh... or better yet dead.
I really feel this way... I have disability here at work... but try to get a doctor to say that you need a time to recoop... unless of course you are mentally disabled... then oh... by all means... you need take a step back... probably because they think you will get a gun, which in this hell hole of a state, are legal.. so I could go down to Walmart and pick one up... But since my condition doesn't preclude me to moments of insanity... just the possibility of brain damage, to the point that I wouldn't be a threat to anyone else... screw her... Let's just see what happens...
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