Ok... well, today... As I am sure everyone is aware, there is a social networking site called Facebook. George is on it regularly, I mean R-E-G-U-L-A-R-L-Y. He has 156 friends... probably almost half he doesn't really know. Just "friended" them, and they friended them back. A few I believe are aquaintances from his Stroke Survivor website.
Anyway... needless to say, I don't know what George is doing about finding a job. For what it is worth, I told him that I would rather he have a job when her retired at the ripe old age of 49. He assured me at the time, that he would... that is almost a year ago. From what I can tell he is sitting home, watching old base ball games, and posting to Facebook. His 'aquaintances', are apparently all fine with that... but why shouldn't they be... they aren't watching him grow bigger, and bigger, while I grow more tired every day. Today's aggravation came in the form of him making a few smart ass remarks, in reference to me or my dog, and his little friends joking and being sure to add they smiley punctuation [ :-) ] and their lol's, telling him to watch out because someone seems to be getting angry, and that I should be more gentle. Well #1, I don't appreciate be addressed by these individuals. And #2, maybe if I were home, hanging out.. I would find it amusing also. However, I am not. I am sitting in 45 minutes of traffic everyday, driving into the office, and home. Not to mention the crap I put up with for 8 or 9 hours once I get here. My weekends are filled with frustration, because I can't seem to get the chores done around the house to have one day to myself. I have to tell you, I cherish the hour or two that I spend on Saturday or Sunday ironing... all alone. Last week I wanted to go to the movies, but we didn't go... this week, I think I will, no matter what time of day it is... He can sit home and trade "quips" with his aquaintances on Facebook.
If I need to take a day off, just because I am exhausted, or need to take my mother to appointments, that eats into my vacation days. If I run out of vactation days, which by the way are my sick days, I have to take non paid days. That means there is nothing replacing my salary. His pension brings in about the same amount of money as my first job in Florida, and that was 25 years ago. And even then I worked a full time job during the day, and then 4-5 hours at night, and every other Saturday.
Maybe he doesn't have to tell me what he is doing. Maybe I have it all wrong. Perhaps someone, if anyone reads this, would like to weigh in on that.
Personally, I would think he has an obligation to tell me what the deal is... or at least how he is looking for work, if in fact he is, and he isn't finding any.... I haven't seen him look in the classifieds, or go to one of those employment websites.
Then I hear that he thinks it is all my Mother who is putting the extra burden on me. That, because of my Mom, I have two full time jobs. I guess he isn't in the room when I come home at night and go right to work, fixing dinner, cleaning up, making sure the dogs don't fight over thier food, then make sure my Mom gets the drops in her eyes, before she goes to sleep. Most of the time he is sitting on the couch, with his legs up... and usually the computer on his lap, open to Facebook...
I just get this feeling that I am being taken advantage of big time. I mean big time. Wife or girlfriend, it doesn't really matter. The fact is, I am working a full time job, taking care of a house, my Mom, and my Husband/Partner is sitting on the couch, on the computer, or watching TV, and really contributing very little to the daily responsibilities, and I am about over it. To be perfectly honest.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
OK... so I am still tired, still frustrated...
... but I am getting to the point I just don't care anymore. Is that bad... I don't think so... I think it is inevitable. It is kind of a protection mechanism. I believe eventually all people go through it, some just earlier than others.
For me I believe it is a defense mechanism, because I don't think it is humanly possible to go on, and on, and on in life, and constantly fighting, to get where you want to be... or need to be.
My childhood was good.. I mean, other than not being well off... but we had a good family.. strong Father, good Mom, and I believe a healthy relationship with my sister.
Then comes my early adult life. Which could actually be combined with my later teen years. Aside from a few incidents, such as boyfriend issues, I mean pretty substantial boy friend issues...I went right to work, for the most part paying my own way. Bought my first car from my parents for $800, then about a year later purchasing a brand new car.. a 1980 Mustang, ordered it from the factory... paid for it monthly for 2 years. All that doesn't sound like much, but based on what my friends were given. New cars every year (in some cases), or at least their first car, plus college educations, wardrobe, etc. I paid for my own braces, for two years... So I guess you see where I am coming from. But that made me stronger, prouder, etc.
Then I moved to Florida, alone, without a job, no family... A good friend, but that passed to. Moved into my apartment, worked 2 jobs for over two years, so that I could fly home fairly frequently. Then came my own house. More boyfriend issues, and financial problems... My Dad had a stroke, in an attempt to save his property in NC from being taken away from him, I took on a very large... I mean verrrrry large portion of his debt. That turned out OK, because I managed to figure out a way, with Consumer Credit Counseling to get out from under that burden. And it wasn't easy like claiming bankruptcy... Let me tell you... that would have been easy.
I thought about adopting a Ukranian baby, and raising him on my own. It was a pretty expensive propisition, but that isn't what detered me. I learned that it wasn't legal for single parent adoptions in the great (and I use that term very weakly) of Florida. I got involved in politics, on the losing side, over and over. But I still fought, I still believe in the Democratic ideals, but I no longer believe in the people behind the Democratic Party today.
Then I met my husband...and we lived together for 7 years. There were about 5 years that were absolutely wonderful. But then things started to turn sour. My Dad had his 3rd stroke, and then suffered with dementia. And that is when this Blog started.
At one point, I believe in 2006, I suffered from a Cavernous Malformation and Hemangioma on my brain stem. This is something I had from birth, and in some cases it is genetic. I guess in most cases it is... I guess it depends if you carry a gene. Not really sure of that... None the less, I had a very bad episode in August of 2006 that lasted about 3 months. The final prognosis was, well... you will have these episodes more than like for the rest of your life... It will probably happen in clusters, and oh... yes, by the way... it is on your brainstem... that is pretty expensive real estate, so at some point it may become fatal... but, hmmm well if we operated, that could be fatal also... Maybe we should just watch it. So that is where I am at. Also, I have the threat of glaucoma.
So all that being said... I am tired, and from my post yesterday, I do fear that my husband will out live me... heck sometimes I think my 85 year old mother will out live me. And ironically, I would like to live forever. I think that is because at some time between now and forever, I can grab sometime for me.
I would like to be able to take some time every once in a while, when I feel this thing in my head is leaking (that is what it does it leaks, and then it gets bigger, and infringes on the "expensive real estate") and if I had some time off... to get out of the rat race, remove the stress, I can either stop it, or at least control it alittle bit more. But that seems unreasonable by todays standards. You know... the way the mentality goes in todays society... you have to be a productive member of society, if you aren't you are a parasite on society...see... a leach... Better I should be a vegatable huh... or better yet dead.
I really feel this way... I have disability here at work... but try to get a doctor to say that you need a time to recoop... unless of course you are mentally disabled... then oh... by all means... you need take a step back... probably because they think you will get a gun, which in this hell hole of a state, are legal.. so I could go down to Walmart and pick one up... But since my condition doesn't preclude me to moments of insanity... just the possibility of brain damage, to the point that I wouldn't be a threat to anyone else... screw her... Let's just see what happens...
For me I believe it is a defense mechanism, because I don't think it is humanly possible to go on, and on, and on in life, and constantly fighting, to get where you want to be... or need to be.
My childhood was good.. I mean, other than not being well off... but we had a good family.. strong Father, good Mom, and I believe a healthy relationship with my sister.
Then comes my early adult life. Which could actually be combined with my later teen years. Aside from a few incidents, such as boyfriend issues, I mean pretty substantial boy friend issues...I went right to work, for the most part paying my own way. Bought my first car from my parents for $800, then about a year later purchasing a brand new car.. a 1980 Mustang, ordered it from the factory... paid for it monthly for 2 years. All that doesn't sound like much, but based on what my friends were given. New cars every year (in some cases), or at least their first car, plus college educations, wardrobe, etc. I paid for my own braces, for two years... So I guess you see where I am coming from. But that made me stronger, prouder, etc.
Then I moved to Florida, alone, without a job, no family... A good friend, but that passed to. Moved into my apartment, worked 2 jobs for over two years, so that I could fly home fairly frequently. Then came my own house. More boyfriend issues, and financial problems... My Dad had a stroke, in an attempt to save his property in NC from being taken away from him, I took on a very large... I mean verrrrry large portion of his debt. That turned out OK, because I managed to figure out a way, with Consumer Credit Counseling to get out from under that burden. And it wasn't easy like claiming bankruptcy... Let me tell you... that would have been easy.
I thought about adopting a Ukranian baby, and raising him on my own. It was a pretty expensive propisition, but that isn't what detered me. I learned that it wasn't legal for single parent adoptions in the great (and I use that term very weakly) of Florida. I got involved in politics, on the losing side, over and over. But I still fought, I still believe in the Democratic ideals, but I no longer believe in the people behind the Democratic Party today.
Then I met my husband...and we lived together for 7 years. There were about 5 years that were absolutely wonderful. But then things started to turn sour. My Dad had his 3rd stroke, and then suffered with dementia. And that is when this Blog started.
At one point, I believe in 2006, I suffered from a Cavernous Malformation and Hemangioma on my brain stem. This is something I had from birth, and in some cases it is genetic. I guess in most cases it is... I guess it depends if you carry a gene. Not really sure of that... None the less, I had a very bad episode in August of 2006 that lasted about 3 months. The final prognosis was, well... you will have these episodes more than like for the rest of your life... It will probably happen in clusters, and oh... yes, by the way... it is on your brainstem... that is pretty expensive real estate, so at some point it may become fatal... but, hmmm well if we operated, that could be fatal also... Maybe we should just watch it. So that is where I am at. Also, I have the threat of glaucoma.
So all that being said... I am tired, and from my post yesterday, I do fear that my husband will out live me... heck sometimes I think my 85 year old mother will out live me. And ironically, I would like to live forever. I think that is because at some time between now and forever, I can grab sometime for me.
I would like to be able to take some time every once in a while, when I feel this thing in my head is leaking (that is what it does it leaks, and then it gets bigger, and infringes on the "expensive real estate") and if I had some time off... to get out of the rat race, remove the stress, I can either stop it, or at least control it alittle bit more. But that seems unreasonable by todays standards. You know... the way the mentality goes in todays society... you have to be a productive member of society, if you aren't you are a parasite on society...see... a leach... Better I should be a vegatable huh... or better yet dead.
I really feel this way... I have disability here at work... but try to get a doctor to say that you need a time to recoop... unless of course you are mentally disabled... then oh... by all means... you need take a step back... probably because they think you will get a gun, which in this hell hole of a state, are legal.. so I could go down to Walmart and pick one up... But since my condition doesn't preclude me to moments of insanity... just the possibility of brain damage, to the point that I wouldn't be a threat to anyone else... screw her... Let's just see what happens...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I am so frustrated....
Ok, tell me if I am wrong... Maybe I am, but I am not really a selfish person... but I need to understand something...
This is my situation... I am 51, got married almost 3 year ago for the first time. After... my husband, then boyfriend had a stroke. I had to take off from work 4 weeks before I got married, 10 days of those 4 weeks, we spent in a hospital, with no rights what so ever, except for the good will of a few nurses and doctors, who allowed me to be involved to the extent that I was. The next 3 months of my life were spent, being a Physical Therapist, advocate, chauffeur, cook, maid, and partner to my husband.
Then I went back to work for the only, and I mean only income we were taking into our home for the next 10 months. Needless to say, we went through close to $40,000.00 in savings. My husband then went back to work for about a year, really less because the first month was only part time. After that, he took early retirement, with a pension, but far less income than he brought home before he went to work.
One month before he retired, however 4 months before, we decided to bring my Mother (84 at the time, lived alone) down to live with us. So since April, we have had my Mother living with us. Since June, I have been the the main bread winner, working every day, full time, driving 45 minutes to work and back, then coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and then giving myself about 1 hour of relaxation for the day. My husband who was going to find another income, hasn't. On the weekends, I need to clean the house, which included 3.5 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, laundry, etc. I really for the most part don't get alot of help. On Saturday mornings I take my Mother to get her hair done. I get up at 8:00, and from 9:00 to 10:55 I am coaxing her and helping her to get ready. I kid you not... that is almost 3 hours of nagging, for the most part, helping in and out of the shower, laying out clothes. Mainly because if I didn't, it would take more than 1 hour to get her ready to leave the house.
Needless to say... I am tired. Very tired. So tired as a matter of fact, I am finding myself close to tears when I think about what I have to do...
I often think that I will not live very long living like this. And needless to say... I don't want to work like a dog, only to find myself in a position of finding myself at the end of my life. If you know what I mean...
Because between you and me...it will all be for naught. My husband is not the type to be on his own. He will find someone else, and then all I worked for will be enjoyed by someone, and all though that might sound selfish.. it is what I feel, and I think part of it is out of resentment.
This is my situation... I am 51, got married almost 3 year ago for the first time. After... my husband, then boyfriend had a stroke. I had to take off from work 4 weeks before I got married, 10 days of those 4 weeks, we spent in a hospital, with no rights what so ever, except for the good will of a few nurses and doctors, who allowed me to be involved to the extent that I was. The next 3 months of my life were spent, being a Physical Therapist, advocate, chauffeur, cook, maid, and partner to my husband.
Then I went back to work for the only, and I mean only income we were taking into our home for the next 10 months. Needless to say, we went through close to $40,000.00 in savings. My husband then went back to work for about a year, really less because the first month was only part time. After that, he took early retirement, with a pension, but far less income than he brought home before he went to work.
One month before he retired, however 4 months before, we decided to bring my Mother (84 at the time, lived alone) down to live with us. So since April, we have had my Mother living with us. Since June, I have been the the main bread winner, working every day, full time, driving 45 minutes to work and back, then coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and then giving myself about 1 hour of relaxation for the day. My husband who was going to find another income, hasn't. On the weekends, I need to clean the house, which included 3.5 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, laundry, etc. I really for the most part don't get alot of help. On Saturday mornings I take my Mother to get her hair done. I get up at 8:00, and from 9:00 to 10:55 I am coaxing her and helping her to get ready. I kid you not... that is almost 3 hours of nagging, for the most part, helping in and out of the shower, laying out clothes. Mainly because if I didn't, it would take more than 1 hour to get her ready to leave the house.
Needless to say... I am tired. Very tired. So tired as a matter of fact, I am finding myself close to tears when I think about what I have to do...
I often think that I will not live very long living like this. And needless to say... I don't want to work like a dog, only to find myself in a position of finding myself at the end of my life. If you know what I mean...
Because between you and me...it will all be for naught. My husband is not the type to be on his own. He will find someone else, and then all I worked for will be enjoyed by someone, and all though that might sound selfish.. it is what I feel, and I think part of it is out of resentment.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Busy, Busy, Busy...
...That is what my life is... Not enough hours in the day to get done what I need to get done. Between my house, and my Mom, and George, and the kids, and the court yard... and I wish I had a few hours every week to do some sewing
But this is not the case. For now I have to look forward to mornings when I don't have to pack my lunch, which means I am able to sit down and eat my breakfast... however small that may be, at home.
I wanted to make danish this past weekend. Mom picked bought us some Danish last weekend at Costco. It was called a Danish Pull Apart, and it had Apple, Cheese and Raspberry. Two of each. Mom and I ate the Raspberry, which meant George didn't get any. So I promised George that I would make him some Raspberry Danish this weekend. Well, didn't get to it. I did however pick up the raspberry jam. I can still do it... But.. I wanted to do it this weekend.
Instead on Saturday I worked on our taxes with George. 3 hours it took us to pull everything together, and have it ready for when we bring it to Wendy. Now mind you, there is still a mess of papers on the dining room table to clean up, go through, and either pack up to bring with us, or destroy them. Still have to do that last step...I have the most important work done though. I also worked with George on the Garage. There is now, waiting for garbage day, (which is tomorrow, thank goodness) about 7 garbage bags plus 4 or 5 boxes of stuff that will be picked up. And that is in addition to our one garbage can. We aren't done.. that was just the start. That took 3 hours. Then there is the huge box of ironing I have upstairs. It is the box our vacuum cleaner came it. I can tell you this... I have alot of table cloths, and napkins. As soon as I am done with the box (that seems endless btw) I will have to start using these. For the past month, I have been ironing at least 2 hours every Saturday. That is over 8 hours of ironing, and only now am I starting to feel like I am making progress with this box.
Then there is the weekly food shopping, which by the time I leave, and come back and put everything away...we are working on an hour and a half to two hours.
Saturday mornings include, fixing breakfast, getting Mom going to bring her for her hair appointment, well that starts at ususally 8:30 in the morning, and by the time we get home, it is between 11:30 and 12:00, then it is time to fix some lunch...
Needless to say, the time that I want to spend doing things that I enjoy... which by the way would still be considered work, to most people, like working in the courtyard, sewing etc., I don't have the time to do.
I am just plain tired... plum tuckered out....
Any suggestions...!
But this is not the case. For now I have to look forward to mornings when I don't have to pack my lunch, which means I am able to sit down and eat my breakfast... however small that may be, at home.
I wanted to make danish this past weekend. Mom picked bought us some Danish last weekend at Costco. It was called a Danish Pull Apart, and it had Apple, Cheese and Raspberry. Two of each. Mom and I ate the Raspberry, which meant George didn't get any. So I promised George that I would make him some Raspberry Danish this weekend. Well, didn't get to it. I did however pick up the raspberry jam. I can still do it... But.. I wanted to do it this weekend.
Instead on Saturday I worked on our taxes with George. 3 hours it took us to pull everything together, and have it ready for when we bring it to Wendy. Now mind you, there is still a mess of papers on the dining room table to clean up, go through, and either pack up to bring with us, or destroy them. Still have to do that last step...I have the most important work done though. I also worked with George on the Garage. There is now, waiting for garbage day, (which is tomorrow, thank goodness) about 7 garbage bags plus 4 or 5 boxes of stuff that will be picked up. And that is in addition to our one garbage can. We aren't done.. that was just the start. That took 3 hours. Then there is the huge box of ironing I have upstairs. It is the box our vacuum cleaner came it. I can tell you this... I have alot of table cloths, and napkins. As soon as I am done with the box (that seems endless btw) I will have to start using these. For the past month, I have been ironing at least 2 hours every Saturday. That is over 8 hours of ironing, and only now am I starting to feel like I am making progress with this box.
Then there is the weekly food shopping, which by the time I leave, and come back and put everything away...we are working on an hour and a half to two hours.
Saturday mornings include, fixing breakfast, getting Mom going to bring her for her hair appointment, well that starts at ususally 8:30 in the morning, and by the time we get home, it is between 11:30 and 12:00, then it is time to fix some lunch...
Needless to say, the time that I want to spend doing things that I enjoy... which by the way would still be considered work, to most people, like working in the courtyard, sewing etc., I don't have the time to do.
I am just plain tired... plum tuckered out....
Any suggestions...!
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