What a Day...Morning...Oy!

So... here are the curtains I made...Notice little Annie, looking in the window next to the bird cage.... 

Made me smile, because God knows, I need to smile today.

It started out like this... My sister called to say that the Johnston County Clerk of the Court would not release to her a copy of my Mom's will.  Now mind you... the will is public record, once it is with the Clerk of the Court, and it is supposed to be there so that it will be accessible.  What they don't tell you is that is only accessible to someone if the people at the clerks office know what they are doing.  In the case of Johnston County... they don't know what they are doing.

However then Will Crocker, the right and honorable Will Crocker, the actual Clerk of the Court, then called me back, and said that he had his very good staff (OH MY GOD!!!) in his office and that he was going to do what ever he could to get a copy... mind you that is all I wanted was a copy of the will, to me. 

Well, I called my Sister, and told her to call them, and there is something you have to know about my Sister.  She may have been born in NY, but she can turn on the "sweet southen' suga'"  when she has too.  Unlike her "Yankee Heathen Sista" (me!)   Apparently she was told that she "might could" send the death certificate by e-mail to their office.  That is because they tried to fax it, and it didn't work.  Twice... she tried to fax it and it didn't come across.  (DEEP SIGH!!!)

Now I wouldn't be so worked up about this, except, I called their office 3 times.  I e-mail once, and I was told that I could have my sister pick up a COPY if she brought a copy of the death certificate.  As far as I am concerned.... I am a novice at this... they on the other hand are the professionals.  They are supposed to know what they can and can't do...I have only done this once...thank god I don't have to do it again...

My appointment with the Attorney here is next Wednesday at 2:00.  Hopefully I will have what I need.

The next thing was this.. my husband, George, is helping out our pet sitter Wayne Tracy, because his Mom passed away.  He is watching a cat who is approximately 25 years old.  Wayne called this morning because the cat, from all appearances, had not urinated in about 24 hours.  A sign that the kidneys are shutting down.  The owners are on a cruise, and I think are due back tomorrow.  Why some one would leave to go anywhere when they have a 25 year old cat is beyond me.  But... that is just me.  I saw this cat...very scary... god bless him... really.  Any way... the decision was made to bring the cat to the vet.  Maitland Veterinary Clinic.  So since Wayne was on a plane to Rhode Island... George picked up the cat (Boomer) and took him to the clinic.  The receptionist told my husband that they would not see the cat, unless he was going to guarantee payment for the visit.  So George called me to see if I had a problem with that.  Of course I didn't, but then I thought, surely if I don't have a problem, and we are broke, the vet wouldn't have a problem billing the owners of the cat.  I asked many ways, I explained to the receptionist that we are on a limited income, and my main concern was the cat... so he said, as is ours... but they were not set up to collect from anyone but the person who brought in the cat.  I didn't say it, but it sounded to me like their first concern was the money owed for the visit, and not the cat at all... since they would be very satisfied to let the cat die, and not be seen if we didn't have a credit card or cash...

Well as it ended up, the cat is fine, well, as far as his kidneys are concerned.  He is still approximately 25 years old.  That can't be fixed. Oh, and the visit, was only $35.00.  Of which, I am guessing will come from the owners who happen to be on a Princess Cruise.  Just sayin...

However, we still don't have Mom's will.  And the hospital bill is still looming out there.  Mom's mortgage is still due every month, and as low as it is... I don't have the money to pay it.

That is still pending... I am sure I will be filling you all in on the saga of the Will and Johnston County.

Today...

... I am making curtains for the back door...  I should have made them a long time ago, but I am going to make myself do them today.  I will take a picture of them when I am done.

These will not be difficult curtains to make, but I have to force myself to do them.

Everyday I will try to accomplish something.  Today will be curtains.  I read my book outside this morning... "A Year in Provence" by Peter Mayle.  I am up to July.  Nice book...

I am starting to think about where things will go once we move down to the other bedroom.  It will be a few months, and I have a few things I need to do before that happens... and I will need to have the outlets for phone and cable switched, since I am thinking of changing up the furniture a bit.  But I think it will be very nice, none the less.

I have before and will have after pictures as that happens.  I also want to plan a trip out west to the National Parks.  That will be next summer.

As long as everyone stays healthy, we need to start doing things for us.  Since I don't think the house in Connecticut will ever work out for me...(deep sigh, oh well...never say never, so how about...probably will be a very difficult option.. how was that?), I want to spend my summer months going places that are NOT Florida.

This year we want to do a cruise, a trip to NY for the Steuben Day Parade on 5th Ave, a trip to the Finger Lakes Region, and maybe a trip to Williamsburg, Va. 

Oh... and if there is a Red Sox game on the way... that works for me!!

A stroke support group...

Yesterday George and I went to a stroke support group at Florida Hospital in Orlando.  It happened to be in the Florida Room, that George and I sat with many guests and used to spend a lot of time in.  It brought back some very bad memories.  Both because this was the hospital that Mom was in, and I was just there, only a week ago, and not for very good reason, and of course that is where I spent 10 days only 4 years at not such a good time with George.

It was rough, just all around rough.  This group was for people under 50 that have had strokes.  It was so hard, and so gut wrenching.  I wanted to run out, but I couldn't, even if I were able to.  All these people who never experienced stroke, or their experience was fairly recent, and the only time they experienced it.  I wanted to do more for them, but there is nothing I could have done. 

I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to tell my story about my Angioma, but I know that no one would have understood... not even the physical therapists there.  They were talking about the "angioplasty" and the surgery they had done.  They were hungry for information, yet they did not have the patience (maybe because of the stroke, or maybe they never had it) to listen.  They were all impulsive.  Almost rude, but not at all intentionally.  It was like being with my Dad, and George, right after both of their strokes, only multiply it by about 10. 

George had said he wished it could have been controlled more, or led.  From our standpoint, I have to agree.  However to suit the purpose of the meeting.. probably not.  See, most, no, maybe half, of these people had their strokes with in a year or 6 months.  They were still, a lot of them going through PT.  They needed to not work so hard for an hour or so, around  others struggling like themselves.  Believe it or not, many had insurance but it didn't cover occupational therapy, or speech therapy.  Those are the two that make you feel as though you are getting back to yourself.  Those are the two that give you the social skills that are missing.  Gosh I have a big problem with that.  What a person needs most, is not to feel like an outcast.  The obvious disability will be the physical one, and yes that needs to be addressed, by all means.  What was good is that the physical therapists were there to give everyone hand outs to help them address those needs if they wanted them.  What I am afraid is that many of the people who needed this information, wouldn't follow up with it at home.  Maybe they didn't have the support at home, or maybe the support they had didn't understand the importance of being there, or being positive.

All in all, it was a hard 2 hours for me.  At the end while we were walking out, I was feeling very dizzy.  Part of it was because I was hungry, but a lot of it was my angioma kicking my ass a little bit.  You know what, all I wanted was to get out of there as soon as possible.  As far away from there as I could, and it was becoming a race against my tears.  The last thing I wanted to do was be around the Stroke Club, or in the hospital when the water works started flowing.

I felt kind of selfish, but it was a bit more than I could bear at the time. 

I guess she isn't coming home...

... and honestly, it is a feeling I can't explain.  You know I remember people saying, "I wish I had my Mom to talk to..."  and not that I took her for granted, but I remember thinking... yea... but...  I am here to tell you the "yea but..." is very appropriate.  I miss her... a lot.  Mom has lived with us for two years.  Almost to the day as a matter of fact.  It was a lot of work too.  You wouldn't think so, and she didn't think so...this I know for a fact, because she said it on many occasion... (that she didn't realize she was so much work...),  but the responsibility that is not tangible, but none the less there, was very big.

And I think that is part of what is causing that giant hole right now.  That along with the fact that it is not going to be filled for a very long time.  It will have to grow in, like someone cut a hole in my skin, and it would have to heal inward.  I guess there is no sense waiting for this to happen either...  It would be like watching the moon move across the sky through out the month in extra slow motion.  Actually worse.

I can't get angry, in fact if I try, I find myself getting angry at myself first... and that doesn't work...actually makes things worse.  Honestly I don't think my Mom is or was mad at me.  Well maybe she was, actually, she was annoyed more than anything, because she said I never shut up...  Actually I think she was probably right.

I am sad, but it is so hard to explain.  It isn't sad like when one of my pets passed away.  It is different.  I think that is because I can't let this grief run it's course, and then I get another dog or cat.  I feel like this grief will never run it's course.

I don't cry.  I did... the last few days she was in the hospital I cried a lot.  In the car on the way home from the hospital.  I tried not to, but it just happened.

I stopped crying when we took her home on Monday afternoon.  Well not exactly.  I spoke to my cousin on the phone and I cried a lot.  However, when I hung up, and went in to fix dinner, and met the admissions nurse, and received a ton of phone calls.. I stopped crying.  I was very busy, had many decisions to make, things to do... When things slowed down,  and it was time to go to sleep, I went in to say goodnight to Mom, and she looked pretty, and peaceful.  The most peaceful I had seen her since 3 weeks earlier.

At 3:30 AM, my sister came in to my room upstairs, to wake me up.  The Hospice nurse told her that she should go get me, because she believed that Mom had passed.  (My sister was here, and slept on the couch that night)

In fact, I didn't cry when the funeral director came and took her away after she died.  I remember thinking, that isn't my Mom on the stretcher.  That is an elderly lady whose life just ended.  But my Mom...nah.  The funeral director said this was because my Mom was in my heart.

She is in my heart.  Maybe that is why I can't cry.  I do remember I looked at a picture that morning.  I have looked at that picture many times.  It was taken about 23 years ago.  It is a picture of all the Aunts and Uncles, from both sides of the family and my Mom and Dad, at my sisters wedding.  There were a few Aunts and Uncles missing, but most of them were there.  After my Dad passed 5 years ago, I remember being sad when I looked at it... and from that point on, I wouldn't look at my Mom and Dad, just the Aunts and Uncles.  Well, Tuesday morning, when I looked at that picture, I looked at my Mom and Dad, and for the first time I wasn't sad.  I specifically remember not feeling sad.  I was kind of embarrassed by that too... so much so that I didn't say anything.  I called one of my Aunts a few hours later, on the phone, and she said "Well Mom isn't alone anymore, now her and Dad are together."  I have to tell you, I was really taken back when she said that.  Mainly because she validated the feeling I had earlier, but was embarrassed to say out loud.  I am still amazed when I write it now.

See my Mom and Dad didn't have an extended honeymoon, let's say.  In fact, I felt that they were companions in the true sense, most of their marriage.  They were Mom and Dad.  They argued and fought, and got on each others nerves, and probably did not like each other a lot of the time.  But they were together and tolerated each other.  As they got older, it was difficult, with feebleness, and dementia setting in... but despite that, they were a team.  They were my team.  Now the captains of my team are gone, and I am one of the captains of my own team.  Up until a week ago, I was one of the captains of Mom and Dad's team too, by default.  It was a hard job. I guess it is a hard job letting go of the "by default" position that I had.

Maybe that is what I am feeling right now.


http://www.baldwincremation.com/obituaries.php/Mildred-Ripke/677/index#obituary-details

The latest and not so greatest news

So today I decided to take time out to sit down and post on my blog.  I am still going to write about what I have been writing about... just a different venue.

2 weeks ago today my Mom had her surgery.  The surgery that was needed because of multiple trips to the ER that I have blogged about before.  However what was supposed to be a simple surgery, has turned into 14 days in the hospital, and 13 days in ICU. 

What wasn't known to me, and probably for good reason, was that it was real touch and go for a few days there.  However I think they (the nurses) told me and the doctors alluded to it.  Maybe I just didn't hear it.  Anyway, here we are 2 weeks since her surgery, and I am exhausted.  Mom is still pretty sick, but everyday seems to be a little bit better.  It is going very slow, and she has been in ICU all this time, and I have gotten to know the nurses very well.

I have been keeping touch with people by way of Facebook, and e-mail and phone.  Mom doesn't realize of course that 2 weeks have gone by, and a stuff has happened outside of her hospital room.  For instance, her good friend passed away yesterday.  I haven't told her, and I don't think I will till she gets home and settled. 

Another thing is this is not the fault of the mechanics of the surgery.  That went very well.  It seems she contacted a bacteria, and her kidney shut down.  They seem to be working fine now, according to the blood tests, but with her Parkinsons, there are other complications that don't make themselves obvious right away.

So.. I and usually George have been going up to the hospital everyday for the past two weeks.  Twice a day, and between I am fixing dinner, and feeding the dogs, and giving Schatzie her insulin shot twice a day, calling family, trying to get stuff done in the house.  George runs the errands for me while I am at the hospital, and occasionally,  I run them with them because I need some diversion from the hospital.

Right now she still has the intubation tube, and she is not sedated, and it is very uncomfortable for her.  She wants to go home, and I think she thinks I put her in a nursing home.  She can't talk, but that doesn't stop her from talking at length, even though no sounds come out of her mouth, and I can't understand anything she says.  They have her breathing spontaneously even though the tube is there for support, and if she needs help inhaling or exhaling, it is there.  Every day they take her off the ventilator as support, and she is breathing entirely on her own for 1-2 hours.  This is all in an effort to wean her off the ventilator.  She can't have it any longer than Thursday, and even though the nurses are all saying it will be tomorrow, until tomorrow is Thursday, it will not be happening... I know that, even though no one has told me.

So today is the day that I need a break from all this hospital stuff.  So George and I will be going to the Dry Cleaners, pet food store, bank, and maybe.... just maybe... Kohls.

The work will not be over for a long time... because once Mom comes home... the real work will start...