No news is good news... not necessarily...

The weekend had gone by... it is Monday, and no word from my sister yet.  Well, there is word, but nothing that tells me anything.  In fact that is probably the way she wants it.  I have come to accept that this has become a game.  One that she feels there is a winner or a loser.  Of course if she is the loser, so to speak, she wins, because she showed me... How ever if she is the winner, I of course then lose.

That may not make any sense.  At first glance it doesn't to me, but it does if you really want to think about it... Which believe me is not worth it.  Suffice it to say, either way I come out the loser.  Well, I am tired of playing games, and trying to figure out what to say, when to say it, or if I should say it at all.  The decision has always been don't say anything, it isn't worth it.  The re-precaution is the what you have to deal with in the end is just not worth it, and eventually you will have to deal with it anyway, so you might as well put it off.  See there is no PRO-active action that can be taken here.  By the way I have tried.

This brings me to another topic.  The stress of all this.  Stress is not something that I handle well, for a number of reasons.  It causes me to lose sleep, become irritable, and last but certainly not least... it is not good for my health.  One of the reasons I am not working.  This fact seems to get lost with my sister.  I am speaking of course of my brain stem Angioma.  I am told that I have had this my whole life, and it was in fact found by accident back in 1998.  A CT picked it up.  The CT was done to rule out aneurysm or brain tumors.  It did however find the Angioma.  It was small at the time, less than 5 mm.  That was in 1996.  I was told that the headaches were migraines, which are hereditary, and since my Mother suffered from them, it made perfect sense.

I had another CT in 2001, and it said that nothing had changed.  I was satisfied, deciding that this Angioma was just what the doctors had said in 1996.  It was genetic, had it all my life, and probably wouldn't know I had it for the rest of my life.  In other words this is just incidental information.

Fast forward to 2005.  At the time I was dealing with a very stressful situation, by Dad having had his last stroke.  Of course lots of stuff happened in between.  I am not going into that right now.  It was August, and I received a particularly disturbing call from my Mom, while I was at work.  I became extremely irritated.  Well that is an understatement.  What I can tell you is that my blood pressure shot up very fast, and I had a terrible headache when I hung up the phone.  It was a Friday.  I went home, still complaining about my head, had dinner and went to bed.  I woke up the following morning and I felt dizzy.  I ignored it and went bowling.  Before the night was out, I couldn't walk a straight line, was holding my head at a angle, and my face was distorted.  Everyone that looked at me said, "Are you sure we shouldn't take you to the emergency room?  Just to make sure you aren't having a stroke."  I laughed, told them not to be silly.  My Dad had strokes, this was not a stroke.  I was just a little bit dizzy, and this is how it was manifesting itself in my behavior...

Of course the rest you can read in the history of this blog.  It is now 2012, the Angioma on last MRI (2010) is 15mm.  I am not working, not driving, and still dizzy.... all the time.  I still suffer migraines, although not as often as before.  Actually, when the stress levels rise.  I try to control that as best possible.  I have been told by one Neurosurgeon, that the migraines/stress headaches, are not related to the Angioma. I don't think I agree with him, and honestly, does it really matter.  What is important is that I control my stress and in doing so control my migraines.  The migraines do cause me to be dizzy, and I have read that others with Angioma's  control their headaches with Imitrex or the generic.

So, that is my story, for now.  That being said, I am going to take Schatzie on the trail for a walk with my husband.  I will keep you posted.  

Well another rough patch...

Mom is almost gone a whole year.  The probate process is nearing it's end, and once again I am faced with a decision to make... Well I have made my decision, but now I am faced with enforcing it.  It never ends.  Never.  I have had "confrontations" with my sister for a while.  Well, actually since 1998.  Now mind you, that was before my Mom and Dad passed, in fact before my Dad's last stroke.

Now with both of my parents gone, and estates to settle, the disputes start all over again.  I am now accused of breaking up the family, "driving a wedge" was how it was put exactly.  I am not sure what I am supposed to do, except to do what I have to do.  There are so many disconnects here.  So much doesn't add up.

I admit that my main concern is in ensuring that if I or my husband become sick, we (hopefully we, my husband and I) will not become destitute or homeless.  I don't have children, and if something does happen, it is only me or him that we can count on.

I have tried to explain this to my sister, only for it to reach deaf ears.  Instead I get accused of driving a wedge, breaking up the family.  I have used my head to try to make what ever meager means we have as a family work to our advantage.  At the same time making sure that my future, and now my husbands and my future we as secure as can be expected.  However, I was told last night that the security I am talking about is not a priority to my sister, and she will for go her security to save the family homestead.

Excuse me if I say, I envision scenes from Bonanza, with Little Joe, and Hoss, and Adam behind a fence with guns pointed, defending the Ponderosa from the bad guys.  Only now I see only my sister.

And let me add, I am not against my sister buying the home, and making it her home.  In fact I prefer that.  After all she has lived there for the past year and 8 months.  What I can not do is just say, take it, live there, I will sacrifice what ever security this may offer me from emergencies for the sake of  our family.  Up until today, to the best of my knowledge, she has not made any attempt to acquire any type of mortgage or funding for the home.

Well, more on this when it happens.  Right now I am a wedge.  I am breaking up the family. 

What am I supposed to think or do?