A lot has been happening in the past month.
I have made two trips to the ER for my Mom. She is probably going to have surgery very soon. The good news is that the surgery is not because of disease, but for repair. Other than that, I won't go into the details. The bad news is that it is surgery, and at her age, surgery is always a greater risk. We do trust this Doctor, and this is something that "must" be done, as the ER doctor yesterday confirmed.
Mom is getting more confused, and very sleepy. She has always been, in her older years anyway, very lethargic. However, it is noticeably worse lately. For me it is difficult in two ways. First to see and admit that my Mom, is now, more a child than ever before. Even if she doesn't want to admit it. She still sees her role as a parent, and does not listen to me, since I am the child. However, she is not able to make decisions for her well being any more. The problem is she isn't taking it all that graciously from me. All this is something that I have to learn to adapt to, and... remember that my husband is here as well.
It really is a balancing act that is new to me. For those of you who are new to my blog... I moved to Florida from NY, away from my home and my parents in 1987. That was 24 years ago. In that time, my younger sister got married, had 3 kids, had marital strife. My parents retired, saw their youngest daughter get married, became the grand parents to my 3 nieces and nephews. My Dad had a stroke in 1998, again in 1997, started to suffer from dementia, which was not treated, and his final stroke in 2005. They moved (everyone, my sister and her family) to North Carolina in 2001, and my Dad passed away in 2006. George and I were married in 2007, after he had a pretty severe stroke in 2007. My Mom came to live with us in 2009. I am not used to being married, and especially not used to balancing all the emotions.
Luckily, or not so lucky, I am disabled from work, and have taken myself off driving, because of an Angioma on my brain stem, that has grown 2 1/2 times it's size in 6 years. Lucky in the sense that I am able to care for my Mom, myself, my husband and our home, without the stress that comes with a job, especially in this job market. Unlucky in the sense that my balance, and abilities are compromised. I am not able to drive confidently, I can't do as much as I could before, because my balance and my vision are severely impaired so I tire easily.
So... that brings me to today... now. I find myself getting angry at both my Mother and Husband. I find it to be very justified, 1. because of how I feel, 2. because my Mother is requiring more attention than she did before, and is not very patient with my instructions, or my short temper. And, 3. my short temper, which I never had before, is not being taken very well by my Husband, who is reciprocating with the same short temper.
Doesn't sound like a great place to be right now, does it... It ain't!
I would love to have a vacation. A real vacation. The last 4 years my vacations have been to NY to visit family. My mother has come with us 3 of those 4 years. My Aunt and Uncle, ( my Dad's Brother and his wife) would take my Mom for a week, while George and I stay at George's Cousin's house. It has been a nice escape from the normal routine at home. This year, I am not sure it is going to happen. Because of money, and also, because my Mom is not up to where she was in the past, and it wouldn't be fair for my Uncle or Aunt to be responsible for her.
What I would love to do is go on a cruise. A short 4 or 5 day cruise. They are relatively cheap from Florida, since we can easily drive to Cape Canaveral and catch a cruise ship. The problem is my Mom will not get on a cruise ship. Mainly because of fear. Fear of it sinking, and her inability to swim, and fear of falling over board. She seems to be of the notion that people disappear on cruise ships, and that only means on thing.
So in order to go, Mom could stay with my Sister, in North Carolina, in my Mom's home there. My sister won't or can't take a week off, and spend it with my Mom. (My sister is living in my Mom's home since she split with her husband.) So, that means that my Mom would be stuck in her house, alone, with out TV, (it is in a very rural area, and in this GREAT country of ours, cable TV is not available in those areas, and my sister does not want to get satellite TV) for approximately 13 or 14 hours a day. The reason we brought her down to Florida, is because she was doing that 2 years ago. However, she did have satellite TV then.
So that is my story. The reason I have not added to my blog recently. Hopefully that will change soon. Not sure how that will happen though.
My mind is working over time to figure this one out...
1 comment:
ever so sorry for your mom, there is so much I want to say and do, when I read about your situation..I want to come over, take care of your mom, so that you could go for your so wanted and needed vacation...you need a brake, that´s a fact
when you get angry and shorttempered it´s you stress that makes it way out, there is so much weight on your shoulders so many responsibilitys..no wonder that you are not your self.
marriage is sometimes a struggle, sometimes a heaven, it´s the most difficult way to be together, you have made a promise to be there in sickness and in health..and you both have haft your share of the first one
is there someone else you can trust ? someone that could help you with you mother ? a frend, a support group ? church ? for those days, so you can take a brake ?
I dont know your husband, but I have learned that when I´m in trouble with mine it helps when I talk, when I`m honest and tell him that " I feel sad, as if you dont want to lissen to me, when you..." " I want to talk about these things, and if you say....I hear....and then..." well this helps us, it helps us to communicate, I can explane, without hurting him, and he can tell his side of the story to me, so I can lissen and Hear him out.
all the best, I´m thinking of you <3
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